From Joy to Sorrow to Acceptance

~I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us~
                                                                                                Romans 8:18 NIV

In January of 2011 we found out we were expecting a new baby.  With Bryleigh being 4 and the twins being 2 we were ready to hear a baby's cry.  Full of joy we began our wait for the new life to become part of our family. My due date was September 22nd.

The first 3 months I wanted to nap almost every day, I would get nautious in the evenings after I ate and I would get dizzy when standing up... but never actually got sick.  Thankfully all of those symptoms fell away and it was on into the 2nd trimester.

Everything felt normal, I was feeling the baby move alot, had heard a strong heart beat at 15 weeks...  and then on Friday, April 29th, at 19 weeks, I was going to find out if our kids were getting a new sister or a new brother.   I felt wonderful... I sent Brian a text complaining that it was taking too long for them to call me back... and he just tells me to be patient. :)

Finally, around 11:45 the ultrasound tech called me back and we went straight to the untrasound room.  She measured the head, checked the spine, measured the cervix... asked a few questions and sometime in the next few seconds she said she had to go talk to Dr. Chorness.   The moment she walked out of the room my heart began to cry.  I said prayer after prayer "Lord, please let this baby be okay... Lord please let everything be alright... Lord PLEASE..."

When she came back in the room, she said she needed me to go talk to the doctor, and I asked if the baby had died.  She said she couldn't find a heartbeat.   "CHECK AGAIN!" I said through tears. I had felt the baby kick while I was praying!!!  How could this be happening????   She checked again and shook her head.

"I have to call my husband!"   She walked out of the room saying to come out when I was ready and talk to the doctor.    

I called Brian, crying hysterically, "Our baby is gone... we lost the baby!"   I explained a little and he asked if I needed him to come up to the doctor's office. I told him I didn't know yet, but probably just meet me at mom's cause she had the kids.

I went accross the hall and waited and cried and waited and cried.  Dr. Chorness told me once again, they couldn't find a hearbeat.  She let me cry and began going over what needed to be done. I was to be at the hospital within the next couple hours... So I told Brian to meet me at mom and dad's and I left.

We went from mom and dad's to the house to pack bags for us and the kids and got to the hospital Friday around 3.  They put me in a room and at 6 I got my first dose of medicine that was supposed to put me in labor.   And then again at midnight... and on and on and on, every 6 hours for 3 days. 

Friday and Saturday were spent crying and figuring out what to do when the baby came... do we have a burial through a funeral home, do we have a cremation, do we do a home burial... do we do a "hospital disposal"?   Do we have the baby baptized? Do we ask a preacher to come?  Do we want an autopsy?  Do we want to see or hold the baby??  All these decisions through tears. 

Finally on Sunday, with peaceful hearts, after alot of prayer and crying we had both decided. This baby was already in heaven. There was no need for a baptism, there was no need for a burial, no need for an autopsty, this baby was with Jesus. He was taken because it was his time to go Home.  We cried happy tears knowing that there was a part of us in heaven. 

On Monday, May 2nd, 2011, I gave birth to a little boy.  I held him and cried, a mixture of tears of joy and tears of sorrow.  I got to look at him and know, there was no life in him, he was gone, he was being held by my Savior.  I was able to hand him over and let the nurses clean him, dress him and take pictures, knowing my child was not in that body.

After delivering the placenta, I was finally able to go home around 7:30.  My body feeling like I had never held that little boy in my womb.  Life felt like it was supposed to go on as normal.

Tuesday, my sister brough Bryleigh, Canyon and Kaysha home and I got to hug the little blessings I still have. What a day filled with joy.    

Wednesday came and I cried... Sunday is Mother's Day.

I don't know why I felt the need to write all of this down, but a part of me never wants to forget all the pain and all the thoughts that went through my head.  The other part of me wants to just forget any of it ever happened, but I know that the love for my little boy in heaven, will always be with me and with that comes the pain of the loss.

I have had many prayers lifted and answered on my behalf...  Thank you to all of you out there who have said prayers for me and my family in our time of deep need.  EVERY prayer has been felt and has been a comfort. 

I have been told one time that unless you feel pain, you'll never know true happiness. So I'm trying my hardest to work through the pain so that if/when we are blessed with another child, I can rejoice. And I can be thankful and count the blessings I have in my life today.

We have a child in heaven... what greater gift is there on this earth than to know that he will never know pain, he will never know tears. In that I am thankful.  He must have been precious in the Lord's eyes.