It's been a while since I posted last, but baby boy hasn't been far from my mind. In fact, in my mind his name is Blayne Charles. He'd actually be almost 4 and a half months old now. But I now have new life living inside of me... I am 5 months along with a baby girl.
I wanted to tell a little about how this pregnancy has gone, from a mental standpoint.
We found out we were pregnant on September 27th... but didn't tell anyone til we were 14 weeks along... The fear of losing this little one was, and still sometimes is, huge. And the closer we got to the 20 week mark, the harder it got. And now... as we have passed that mark, and are almost 23 weeks along... I find myself with a new fear. A fear I never had with our little boy. I am so affraid to fully love this little girl, to only have her ripped from my life. As I write this she wiggles around inside of me, and my love grows deeper... and I try so hard to keep that wall from coming up. We hit that half way mark with Blayne... we were in the clear... the 2nd trimester......... so everything was going to be fine......... Now............... how do I believe that everything is going to be fine??? How do I break this wall down and allow myself to enjoy this pregnancy????? I don't dare! Not fully anyway. Everytime I feel her move.... I get to relax for 15 minutes..... but fear is always right behind.
I have talked to a couple people about how I feel... and of course the answer is always the same... (even if I'm talking to myself)... You have to just let yourself love her, because she is here now... God has blessed me with a sweet new life.... and I try... ohhhh I really try to just lean on that. But sometimes.... the memories of last Spring.... the same feelings I had with Blayne.... just knowing everything was fine...... makes me build a wall with this little girl. How do I get passed that??
I ask anyone who reads this, to just say a little prayer for me... Don't get me wrong... I do love this little girl... but my mind wont let me imagine the joy of holding her in June.... and I know that is taking away from the joy of "holding" her now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now... I have to tell you a little story, that may be insignificant to some, but gave me a little peace. A few Sundays ago, we were sitting in church. It had been a while since we went, and the kids could not sit still or be quiet. While I'm sushing them... Kaysha is very adament about what she is trying to tell me... she's pointing to the front of the church... (we were only 2 rows back) and keeps saying "Mommy, there's baby bubba! (Bubba is our little boy Canyon) See??? Bubba baby! Bubba, do you see baby???" This goes on for about a minute.. Canyon's reply "I see a rock!"... there is a painting in the front of the church of a stone wall... But Kaysha kept going... "see baby Bubba???" I finally just smiled at her and nodded to quiet her down. But, now I have a picture in my head of what Blayne may look like... like his big brother Bubba.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Friday, May 13, 2011
From Acceptance, Back to Grief
~Ask and it shall be given unto you; seek and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you. For everyone that asketh, receiveth; and he that seeketh, findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened~
Matthew 7:7-8
~Every word of God is pure...~
Proverbs 30:5
I thought I was fine. Everything had gone back to normal. We took a little trip for Mother's Day to Asheboro, NC to bring the kids to the zoo. I had just one bad night of crying on that Friday night... but other than that... we were busy and didn't have much time to think about it.
The next few days after Mother's Day came and went... I spent some time with my family, I went to coffee with the girls... and on Wednesday I even went through the box from the hospital. Touched everything in there. The hospital bracelets that he would have worn if he had been big enough... a teddy bear that is his now... and his "Baby Ring". A little gold band that is looks just like my wedding band, just a bit smaller. I slipped the band on the necklace that Brian had given me for Mother's Day. And I did all this with out a tear. Surely the prayers were being answered and some of the pain had left.
Then evening came. The kids were in bed, Brian was asleep, I was gonna take a little "me" time. I watched some TV and after getting wrestless... I decided I'd go read the book that one of the girls from the lab at the hospital had given me. She said it was what she needed after greiving her son. Well... reading the book brought back every feeling I had while in the hospital. Looking out the window and thinking about how even when my world has completely stopped turning, there is everyone just going on with their lives. Going shopping, going for lunch, going too and from work... While my world was just stopped. I went back to the feelings I felt while I held him for a very breif moment... and realized I was numb... I was joyful that my baby boy was in heaven but I think back now and I can't feel that joy. I still know my Heavenly Father has His loving arms wrapped around that little boy, but all I felt this night was pain, anger, guilt... Was Satan pushing his way through or was God just telling me to grieve?
I sobbed for a very long time. For those of you who have lost a child... What thoughts have gone through your head? In this book I was reading, the woman talks about how she was telling her daughter that God will take better care of her than she ever could... Which we all know to be the truth... but my thought was, Maybe God knows that I don't take care of the children I have well enough to be blessed with another of His children. I am supposed to nurture them and play with them and love them with my whole heart. And I DO love my children. I love them more than anything I have ever known... but yet, am I a failure as a mother??? I know I sure feel that way sometimes.
I cried, broken hearted as I blamed myself for the loss of my child. After telling everyone I didn't want to know the reason he had died... God created him. God took my little boy when it was his time to go home. His timing is not my timing... and nothing I could do, or could have done would change that. But oh how hard it was to believe that when sobbing. I asked God why about 10 times that night. And the answer is still the same. It was his time. My Heavenly Father took his Angel home.
In the midst of all the crying, I went to my refridgerator and touched his foot prints. Oh the comfort of touching something he touched. I didn't realize what a balm that would be the day I put them up there. I looked at the ultrasound hung next to the foot prints and felt a mixture of grief and comfort. It wasn't just a dream... I did have a child in me. A little boy. One day we will meet again.
I have prayed that the Lord would answer one prayer through all of this. I saw his earthly body. I know that he doesn't look like that in heaven. So I pray one day my Lord will send me a picture in a dream of what my little boy looks like in heaven. I would love to see what he looks like now. I can't picture who he would have looked like... I wonder what his personality would have been. Bryleigh is goofy and imaginative. Canyon tries so hard to just be a good obedient child. and Kaysha has a one of a kind sweet personality. All of them are soft hearted... so what would my little Angel baby have been like.
I finally fell asleep after laying down in bed, turning the TV on. I cried for a little bit, but it sooned passed and I slept a restful night. Waking up the next morning and looking in the mirror was a reminder of the night before. My eyes were still puffy and my face still red when Brian got home from work. But peace had settled over my heart again.
Now every time I feel the shadow of grief, I have to remind myself to "ask" for peace, and "it shall be given unto me". I will "seek" the Lord for comfort, and I shall "find". Because God has said he will "open" the doors if I knock"... and "every word of God is pure". I find my peace in that.
Matthew 7:7-8
~Every word of God is pure...~
Proverbs 30:5
I thought I was fine. Everything had gone back to normal. We took a little trip for Mother's Day to Asheboro, NC to bring the kids to the zoo. I had just one bad night of crying on that Friday night... but other than that... we were busy and didn't have much time to think about it.
The next few days after Mother's Day came and went... I spent some time with my family, I went to coffee with the girls... and on Wednesday I even went through the box from the hospital. Touched everything in there. The hospital bracelets that he would have worn if he had been big enough... a teddy bear that is his now... and his "Baby Ring". A little gold band that is looks just like my wedding band, just a bit smaller. I slipped the band on the necklace that Brian had given me for Mother's Day. And I did all this with out a tear. Surely the prayers were being answered and some of the pain had left.
Then evening came. The kids were in bed, Brian was asleep, I was gonna take a little "me" time. I watched some TV and after getting wrestless... I decided I'd go read the book that one of the girls from the lab at the hospital had given me. She said it was what she needed after greiving her son. Well... reading the book brought back every feeling I had while in the hospital. Looking out the window and thinking about how even when my world has completely stopped turning, there is everyone just going on with their lives. Going shopping, going for lunch, going too and from work... While my world was just stopped. I went back to the feelings I felt while I held him for a very breif moment... and realized I was numb... I was joyful that my baby boy was in heaven but I think back now and I can't feel that joy. I still know my Heavenly Father has His loving arms wrapped around that little boy, but all I felt this night was pain, anger, guilt... Was Satan pushing his way through or was God just telling me to grieve?
I sobbed for a very long time. For those of you who have lost a child... What thoughts have gone through your head? In this book I was reading, the woman talks about how she was telling her daughter that God will take better care of her than she ever could... Which we all know to be the truth... but my thought was, Maybe God knows that I don't take care of the children I have well enough to be blessed with another of His children. I am supposed to nurture them and play with them and love them with my whole heart. And I DO love my children. I love them more than anything I have ever known... but yet, am I a failure as a mother??? I know I sure feel that way sometimes.
I cried, broken hearted as I blamed myself for the loss of my child. After telling everyone I didn't want to know the reason he had died... God created him. God took my little boy when it was his time to go home. His timing is not my timing... and nothing I could do, or could have done would change that. But oh how hard it was to believe that when sobbing. I asked God why about 10 times that night. And the answer is still the same. It was his time. My Heavenly Father took his Angel home.
In the midst of all the crying, I went to my refridgerator and touched his foot prints. Oh the comfort of touching something he touched. I didn't realize what a balm that would be the day I put them up there. I looked at the ultrasound hung next to the foot prints and felt a mixture of grief and comfort. It wasn't just a dream... I did have a child in me. A little boy. One day we will meet again.
I have prayed that the Lord would answer one prayer through all of this. I saw his earthly body. I know that he doesn't look like that in heaven. So I pray one day my Lord will send me a picture in a dream of what my little boy looks like in heaven. I would love to see what he looks like now. I can't picture who he would have looked like... I wonder what his personality would have been. Bryleigh is goofy and imaginative. Canyon tries so hard to just be a good obedient child. and Kaysha has a one of a kind sweet personality. All of them are soft hearted... so what would my little Angel baby have been like.
I finally fell asleep after laying down in bed, turning the TV on. I cried for a little bit, but it sooned passed and I slept a restful night. Waking up the next morning and looking in the mirror was a reminder of the night before. My eyes were still puffy and my face still red when Brian got home from work. But peace had settled over my heart again.
Now every time I feel the shadow of grief, I have to remind myself to "ask" for peace, and "it shall be given unto me". I will "seek" the Lord for comfort, and I shall "find". Because God has said he will "open" the doors if I knock"... and "every word of God is pure". I find my peace in that.
Friday, May 6, 2011
From Joy to Sorrow to Acceptance
~I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us~
Romans 8:18 NIV
In January of 2011 we found out we were expecting a new baby. With Bryleigh being 4 and the twins being 2 we were ready to hear a baby's cry. Full of joy we began our wait for the new life to become part of our family. My due date was September 22nd.
The first 3 months I wanted to nap almost every day, I would get nautious in the evenings after I ate and I would get dizzy when standing up... but never actually got sick. Thankfully all of those symptoms fell away and it was on into the 2nd trimester.
Everything felt normal, I was feeling the baby move alot, had heard a strong heart beat at 15 weeks... and then on Friday, April 29th, at 19 weeks, I was going to find out if our kids were getting a new sister or a new brother. I felt wonderful... I sent Brian a text complaining that it was taking too long for them to call me back... and he just tells me to be patient. :)
Finally, around 11:45 the ultrasound tech called me back and we went straight to the untrasound room. She measured the head, checked the spine, measured the cervix... asked a few questions and sometime in the next few seconds she said she had to go talk to Dr. Chorness. The moment she walked out of the room my heart began to cry. I said prayer after prayer "Lord, please let this baby be okay... Lord please let everything be alright... Lord PLEASE..."
When she came back in the room, she said she needed me to go talk to the doctor, and I asked if the baby had died. She said she couldn't find a heartbeat. "CHECK AGAIN!" I said through tears. I had felt the baby kick while I was praying!!! How could this be happening???? She checked again and shook her head.
"I have to call my husband!" She walked out of the room saying to come out when I was ready and talk to the doctor.
I called Brian, crying hysterically, "Our baby is gone... we lost the baby!" I explained a little and he asked if I needed him to come up to the doctor's office. I told him I didn't know yet, but probably just meet me at mom's cause she had the kids.
I went accross the hall and waited and cried and waited and cried. Dr. Chorness told me once again, they couldn't find a hearbeat. She let me cry and began going over what needed to be done. I was to be at the hospital within the next couple hours... So I told Brian to meet me at mom and dad's and I left.
We went from mom and dad's to the house to pack bags for us and the kids and got to the hospital Friday around 3. They put me in a room and at 6 I got my first dose of medicine that was supposed to put me in labor. And then again at midnight... and on and on and on, every 6 hours for 3 days.
Friday and Saturday were spent crying and figuring out what to do when the baby came... do we have a burial through a funeral home, do we have a cremation, do we do a home burial... do we do a "hospital disposal"? Do we have the baby baptized? Do we ask a preacher to come? Do we want an autopsy? Do we want to see or hold the baby?? All these decisions through tears.
Finally on Sunday, with peaceful hearts, after alot of prayer and crying we had both decided. This baby was already in heaven. There was no need for a baptism, there was no need for a burial, no need for an autopsty, this baby was with Jesus. He was taken because it was his time to go Home. We cried happy tears knowing that there was a part of us in heaven.
On Monday, May 2nd, 2011, I gave birth to a little boy. I held him and cried, a mixture of tears of joy and tears of sorrow. I got to look at him and know, there was no life in him, he was gone, he was being held by my Savior. I was able to hand him over and let the nurses clean him, dress him and take pictures, knowing my child was not in that body.
After delivering the placenta, I was finally able to go home around 7:30. My body feeling like I had never held that little boy in my womb. Life felt like it was supposed to go on as normal.
Tuesday, my sister brough Bryleigh, Canyon and Kaysha home and I got to hug the little blessings I still have. What a day filled with joy.
Wednesday came and I cried... Sunday is Mother's Day.
I don't know why I felt the need to write all of this down, but a part of me never wants to forget all the pain and all the thoughts that went through my head. The other part of me wants to just forget any of it ever happened, but I know that the love for my little boy in heaven, will always be with me and with that comes the pain of the loss.
I have had many prayers lifted and answered on my behalf... Thank you to all of you out there who have said prayers for me and my family in our time of deep need. EVERY prayer has been felt and has been a comfort.
I have been told one time that unless you feel pain, you'll never know true happiness. So I'm trying my hardest to work through the pain so that if/when we are blessed with another child, I can rejoice. And I can be thankful and count the blessings I have in my life today.
We have a child in heaven... what greater gift is there on this earth than to know that he will never know pain, he will never know tears. In that I am thankful. He must have been precious in the Lord's eyes.
Romans 8:18 NIV
In January of 2011 we found out we were expecting a new baby. With Bryleigh being 4 and the twins being 2 we were ready to hear a baby's cry. Full of joy we began our wait for the new life to become part of our family. My due date was September 22nd.
The first 3 months I wanted to nap almost every day, I would get nautious in the evenings after I ate and I would get dizzy when standing up... but never actually got sick. Thankfully all of those symptoms fell away and it was on into the 2nd trimester.
Everything felt normal, I was feeling the baby move alot, had heard a strong heart beat at 15 weeks... and then on Friday, April 29th, at 19 weeks, I was going to find out if our kids were getting a new sister or a new brother. I felt wonderful... I sent Brian a text complaining that it was taking too long for them to call me back... and he just tells me to be patient. :)
Finally, around 11:45 the ultrasound tech called me back and we went straight to the untrasound room. She measured the head, checked the spine, measured the cervix... asked a few questions and sometime in the next few seconds she said she had to go talk to Dr. Chorness. The moment she walked out of the room my heart began to cry. I said prayer after prayer "Lord, please let this baby be okay... Lord please let everything be alright... Lord PLEASE..."
When she came back in the room, she said she needed me to go talk to the doctor, and I asked if the baby had died. She said she couldn't find a heartbeat. "CHECK AGAIN!" I said through tears. I had felt the baby kick while I was praying!!! How could this be happening???? She checked again and shook her head.
"I have to call my husband!" She walked out of the room saying to come out when I was ready and talk to the doctor.
I called Brian, crying hysterically, "Our baby is gone... we lost the baby!" I explained a little and he asked if I needed him to come up to the doctor's office. I told him I didn't know yet, but probably just meet me at mom's cause she had the kids.
I went accross the hall and waited and cried and waited and cried. Dr. Chorness told me once again, they couldn't find a hearbeat. She let me cry and began going over what needed to be done. I was to be at the hospital within the next couple hours... So I told Brian to meet me at mom and dad's and I left.
We went from mom and dad's to the house to pack bags for us and the kids and got to the hospital Friday around 3. They put me in a room and at 6 I got my first dose of medicine that was supposed to put me in labor. And then again at midnight... and on and on and on, every 6 hours for 3 days.
Friday and Saturday were spent crying and figuring out what to do when the baby came... do we have a burial through a funeral home, do we have a cremation, do we do a home burial... do we do a "hospital disposal"? Do we have the baby baptized? Do we ask a preacher to come? Do we want an autopsy? Do we want to see or hold the baby?? All these decisions through tears.
Finally on Sunday, with peaceful hearts, after alot of prayer and crying we had both decided. This baby was already in heaven. There was no need for a baptism, there was no need for a burial, no need for an autopsty, this baby was with Jesus. He was taken because it was his time to go Home. We cried happy tears knowing that there was a part of us in heaven.
On Monday, May 2nd, 2011, I gave birth to a little boy. I held him and cried, a mixture of tears of joy and tears of sorrow. I got to look at him and know, there was no life in him, he was gone, he was being held by my Savior. I was able to hand him over and let the nurses clean him, dress him and take pictures, knowing my child was not in that body.
After delivering the placenta, I was finally able to go home around 7:30. My body feeling like I had never held that little boy in my womb. Life felt like it was supposed to go on as normal.
Tuesday, my sister brough Bryleigh, Canyon and Kaysha home and I got to hug the little blessings I still have. What a day filled with joy.
Wednesday came and I cried... Sunday is Mother's Day.
I don't know why I felt the need to write all of this down, but a part of me never wants to forget all the pain and all the thoughts that went through my head. The other part of me wants to just forget any of it ever happened, but I know that the love for my little boy in heaven, will always be with me and with that comes the pain of the loss.
I have had many prayers lifted and answered on my behalf... Thank you to all of you out there who have said prayers for me and my family in our time of deep need. EVERY prayer has been felt and has been a comfort.
I have been told one time that unless you feel pain, you'll never know true happiness. So I'm trying my hardest to work through the pain so that if/when we are blessed with another child, I can rejoice. And I can be thankful and count the blessings I have in my life today.
We have a child in heaven... what greater gift is there on this earth than to know that he will never know pain, he will never know tears. In that I am thankful. He must have been precious in the Lord's eyes.
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