It's been a while since I posted last, but baby boy hasn't been far from my mind. In fact, in my mind his name is Blayne Charles. He'd actually be almost 4 and a half months old now. But I now have new life living inside of me... I am 5 months along with a baby girl.
I wanted to tell a little about how this pregnancy has gone, from a mental standpoint.
We found out we were pregnant on September 27th... but didn't tell anyone til we were 14 weeks along... The fear of losing this little one was, and still sometimes is, huge. And the closer we got to the 20 week mark, the harder it got. And now... as we have passed that mark, and are almost 23 weeks along... I find myself with a new fear. A fear I never had with our little boy. I am so affraid to fully love this little girl, to only have her ripped from my life. As I write this she wiggles around inside of me, and my love grows deeper... and I try so hard to keep that wall from coming up. We hit that half way mark with Blayne... we were in the clear... the 2nd trimester......... so everything was going to be fine......... Now............... how do I believe that everything is going to be fine??? How do I break this wall down and allow myself to enjoy this pregnancy????? I don't dare! Not fully anyway. Everytime I feel her move.... I get to relax for 15 minutes..... but fear is always right behind.
I have talked to a couple people about how I feel... and of course the answer is always the same... (even if I'm talking to myself)... You have to just let yourself love her, because she is here now... God has blessed me with a sweet new life.... and I try... ohhhh I really try to just lean on that. But sometimes.... the memories of last Spring.... the same feelings I had with Blayne.... just knowing everything was fine...... makes me build a wall with this little girl. How do I get passed that??
I ask anyone who reads this, to just say a little prayer for me... Don't get me wrong... I do love this little girl... but my mind wont let me imagine the joy of holding her in June.... and I know that is taking away from the joy of "holding" her now.
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Now... I have to tell you a little story, that may be insignificant to some, but gave me a little peace. A few Sundays ago, we were sitting in church. It had been a while since we went, and the kids could not sit still or be quiet. While I'm sushing them... Kaysha is very adament about what she is trying to tell me... she's pointing to the front of the church... (we were only 2 rows back) and keeps saying "Mommy, there's baby bubba! (Bubba is our little boy Canyon) See??? Bubba baby! Bubba, do you see baby???" This goes on for about a minute.. Canyon's reply "I see a rock!"... there is a painting in the front of the church of a stone wall... But Kaysha kept going... "see baby Bubba???" I finally just smiled at her and nodded to quiet her down. But, now I have a picture in my head of what Blayne may look like... like his big brother Bubba.
