~Ask and it shall be given unto you; seek and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you. For everyone that asketh, receiveth; and he that seeketh, findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened~
Matthew 7:7-8
~Every word of God is pure...~
Proverbs 30:5
I thought I was fine. Everything had gone back to normal. We took a little trip for Mother's Day to Asheboro, NC to bring the kids to the zoo. I had just one bad night of crying on that Friday night... but other than that... we were busy and didn't have much time to think about it.
The next few days after Mother's Day came and went... I spent some time with my family, I went to coffee with the girls... and on Wednesday I even went through the box from the hospital. Touched everything in there. The hospital bracelets that he would have worn if he had been big enough... a teddy bear that is his now... and his "Baby Ring". A little gold band that is looks just like my wedding band, just a bit smaller. I slipped the band on the necklace that Brian had given me for Mother's Day. And I did all this with out a tear. Surely the prayers were being answered and some of the pain had left.
Then evening came. The kids were in bed, Brian was asleep, I was gonna take a little "me" time. I watched some TV and after getting wrestless... I decided I'd go read the book that one of the girls from the lab at the hospital had given me. She said it was what she needed after greiving her son. Well... reading the book brought back every feeling I had while in the hospital. Looking out the window and thinking about how even when my world has completely stopped turning, there is everyone just going on with their lives. Going shopping, going for lunch, going too and from work... While my world was just stopped. I went back to the feelings I felt while I held him for a very breif moment... and realized I was numb... I was joyful that my baby boy was in heaven but I think back now and I can't feel that joy. I still know my Heavenly Father has His loving arms wrapped around that little boy, but all I felt this night was pain, anger, guilt... Was Satan pushing his way through or was God just telling me to grieve?
I sobbed for a very long time. For those of you who have lost a child... What thoughts have gone through your head? In this book I was reading, the woman talks about how she was telling her daughter that God will take better care of her than she ever could... Which we all know to be the truth... but my thought was, Maybe God knows that I don't take care of the children I have well enough to be blessed with another of His children. I am supposed to nurture them and play with them and love them with my whole heart. And I DO love my children. I love them more than anything I have ever known... but yet, am I a failure as a mother??? I know I sure feel that way sometimes.
I cried, broken hearted as I blamed myself for the loss of my child. After telling everyone I didn't want to know the reason he had died... God created him. God took my little boy when it was his time to go home. His timing is not my timing... and nothing I could do, or could have done would change that. But oh how hard it was to believe that when sobbing. I asked God why about 10 times that night. And the answer is still the same. It was his time. My Heavenly Father took his Angel home.
In the midst of all the crying, I went to my refridgerator and touched his foot prints. Oh the comfort of touching something he touched. I didn't realize what a balm that would be the day I put them up there. I looked at the ultrasound hung next to the foot prints and felt a mixture of grief and comfort. It wasn't just a dream... I did have a child in me. A little boy. One day we will meet again.
I have prayed that the Lord would answer one prayer through all of this. I saw his earthly body. I know that he doesn't look like that in heaven. So I pray one day my Lord will send me a picture in a dream of what my little boy looks like in heaven. I would love to see what he looks like now. I can't picture who he would have looked like... I wonder what his personality would have been. Bryleigh is goofy and imaginative. Canyon tries so hard to just be a good obedient child. and Kaysha has a one of a kind sweet personality. All of them are soft hearted... so what would my little Angel baby have been like.
I finally fell asleep after laying down in bed, turning the TV on. I cried for a little bit, but it sooned passed and I slept a restful night. Waking up the next morning and looking in the mirror was a reminder of the night before. My eyes were still puffy and my face still red when Brian got home from work. But peace had settled over my heart again.
Now every time I feel the shadow of grief, I have to remind myself to "ask" for peace, and "it shall be given unto me". I will "seek" the Lord for comfort, and I shall "find". Because God has said he will "open" the doors if I knock"... and "every word of God is pure". I find my peace in that.
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